Quote of the Day…

There are years that ask questions and years that answer.

Zora Neale Hurston

So what will this year bring?
Questions…
or answers.

It seems to me that I still have questions left in the queue…
from decades of living.
Still scratching away looking for answers.
To the why.

Questions that have diverted…
And led me down new paths…
Or retraced old ones.
Piling hopes upon hopes
Continuing, still, to persevere…

I was often admonished in the classroom for asking too many questions.
Ever curious, my hand shot into the air asking for clarification.
All the time. Quietly. Waiting my turn.
Which sometimes didn’t matter…
My 9th grade Spanish teacher, Señora M., did not appreciate my curiosity…about how to translate verbs, why the feminine or masculine was used. Why anything.
Stop asking so many questions! she finally instructed. In front of everyone.
After a while I kept my hand down.

My high school English teacher encouraged questions. For the 3 years I was a student in his class. Blessings to you Mr. Marston.
Lucky for me he answered every one. Including the correct usage of it’s and its. “A lot is a piece of land” he’d repeat over and over; cringing at the use of alot of this and alot of that in our weekly theme assignments.
(auto correct doesn’t like it either. He would have been pleased).

I apologize across the universe to him that I still resort to alot…but not alot very often. I remain grateful for his patience. And assuring me…yes I would be safe at college after Kent State. And yes, I was smart enough to succeed. He nudged me down that road. In the direction I needed to go…all those years ago. Answering my questions.

Maybe I am finally winding down with all the questions.
Perhaps 2019 will be the year of answers…
And new destinations…
if I pay attention.

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This post inspired by V.J.’s Weekly Challenge #31: Destination

Windows

This post inspired by V.J.’s Weekly Challenge #30: Windows

It is interesting to note what it is you miss after it’s gone.
Not appreciating its significance while you had it.
As cliché as that may sound, it can still ring true.
Which brings me to the subject of windows.

Two years ago we moved from a house into a condo. I don’t miss much about the house…but one thing I do miss is the kitchen window. Over the sink…facing the backyard. Watching the sun as it hit the trees, the grass, the deck.

My hands deep in soapy water…cleaning dishes, washing pots. Rinsing vegetables for cooking. I was a loyal spectator to the changing seasons…which appeared with comforting regularity. From my window in the kitchen.

A robin would perch on the clothesline, pausing between flights. Squirrels and chipmunks raced across the deck railing…their own private balance beam.  Over the years the errant cat from next door would creep close, sit right below and stare at me, as if to say…what are you going to do about it lady? So what if I use your backyard as my litter box? I’d glare back, the window between us. This game continuing for years.

Winter brought icicles hanging down – eventually blocking and distorting the sight of blinding piles of snow beneath. Storms poured gallons of rain over the eaves past the sill. Hurricanes hurled wet leaves and twigs onto the glass and screen. Mother Nature everywhere. Putting on a show.

Warmer months showcased children throwing balls, making sand pies, swinging on the swings, climbing on the jungle gym. Eventually cutting grass and raking leaves. Opening the window swept in sounds of neighborhood life. The whine of distant lawnmowers. Splashing in a pool. Voices…young high pitched and older booming ones. Dogs barking. Car radio volume cranked, music a dull roar as it passed by. The faint hum of traffic down the hill. Smells of steaks on a grill. Next door neighbor burning brush. Every day a little different. Every hour just a bit changed from the one before.

That’s the thing about windows.
They give you a peek at your world. If you take a moment to notice. Not just quickly glance as you hurry by. But really look. Noticing the world outside. As young children do, with faces pressed against the glass taking note of…everything.

Sometimes the sight will stop you. And you put down the sponge. The pot. Turn off the water. Slip outside…maybe even sit on the back step and look around.
Listen.
Be grateful for this patch of earth.

One of the final things I did on that last October day – almost as an afterthought – was take a photo of my view out the kitchen window.
Through the screen, crooked shade and all.

It may be the only photo I ever took from that spot at the sink…following an intuitive hunch that it would be important to me.
Like I said, I took it for granted.

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Although we have plenty of windows in our over-55 condo, there is no window over the sink.
I miss it.
And sometimes the world I left behind there as well.

Quote of the Day…

Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do.

Golda Meir

 

Isn’t that the truth.
Even when I want to say…get me the hell off.

I am not ready for this yet.
For the irrelevance thrust on me.
Rendered invisible. Packed in behind the younger.
Respect once earned upended in the turbulence of senior discounts…
now that you’re 50…60…over 60….doors start to shut. Deaf ears abound.

Forgetting one too many things
Which 20 years ago went unnoticed.
Or commented on.
Not now.

Mask floating down. Got it.
Pulling the life vest cords. Got it.

I tell the younger kin I am not this old inside my head.
They nod. Eyes looking beyond. Already past me.
Uncomprehending…until it’s their aged faces staring back at them.
That’s what she meant.

There will be no mad dash for the exits.
Even in an emergency.
I’m on this ride for the duration. Wind. Rain. Thunder.
Wrinkles. Gray hair. Early dinners. Early to bed.
System slowdowns. Bumpy rides. Love and loss.

Dried up everything, but oozing with wisdom.
Experience.
And ideas. Just ask.
But they won’t.
Whatever.

The longer I’m on this stormy plane ride, the wiser I get.
Not my first rodeo.
So there.

2019…more transitions…
…the next leg on my Golden Years journey.
Seatbelt fastened and secure.
Building up those frequent flyer miles.
Wheels up.

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This post inspired by: V.J.’s Weekly Challenge – Transition

Recipe

This post is inspired by V.J.’s Weekly Challenge #28: Recipe

 

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Family Dinner (serves 4)

Ingredients:
4 Family Members
1 table – any size or shape. (Clean – free of crumbs, junk mail & old newspapers)
4 chairs – preferably facing each other.
4 knives – (delete knife for young children)
4 forks
4 spoons
4 plates and cups.
Napkins – 4 or more, depending on need.

Preheat or Cool room to comfortable temperature.

Prepare and assemble food of any kind.
Chicken, potatoes, carrots. Or pizza. Or take-out.
Enough for 4.
Beverage of choice.

Mute and remove all phones from the room.
Turn off television if present.
Turn on music (low) if desired (if the music streams from phone, place out of reach).

Serve meal to all 4 family members seated at the table – portion sizes as requested.
Place napkins on laps.

Commence eating slowly, putting utensils down between each bite.
Look at other family members directly. Make eye contact. Smile.

Taking turns, ask one another questions such as:
– How was your day?
– What did you do at school?
– What’s new?
– How about those Red Sox?

If all questions are answered before the meal is over:
– Reminisce about the old days when family dinners happened all the time.
– And how once you pretended to eat liver, but actually slipped it to the dog.
– And how you walked 2 miles uphill to go to school.
– And then home for lunch and back again.

Discussion of politics is optional.

Use table manners as discussed in “Table Manners for Family Dinners.”
For example…
Say Please, Thank You, You’re Welcome and May I Please Be Excused.
Refrain from burping, belching or open mouth chewing.

When everyone is finished eating, offer dessert if desired.
Repeat nightly.
As much as possible.

Keep warm.

 

 

 

Intent

This post is inspired by V.J.’s Weekly Challenge #27: Intent

Turning the Page

Decades tethered spider-like
to needy souls
Absorbing the self.
No more.

Navigating a fresh path
With intent to renew the spirit
Lost for so long
Buried but not forgotten.

Uncovering
The quiet.
The peaceful.
The spark.

Liberating the authentic
Allowing time to…
Sit still.
Breathe…
Behold…
and…

Read the entire paper
over coffee.
Or not.

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Titles

This post is inspired by V.J.’s Weekly Challenge #26: Titles
(need to select from your own work, enough titles, in the order you created them, to find new meaning)

From the earliest to the latest – a few titles…

 

spring has sprung…
Memorial Day.
The Whole darn Bunch,
The Biggest Change.

Diaries Revisited – September.
The Day Everything Changed…

Falling. Shuffle.
Attention.
Seventy-nine messages…
Comfort, Sacrifice
Memories…Contact
Un-lived lives
…Tranquil.

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Un-lived Lives

This post is inspired by V.J.’s Weekly Challenge #25: Un-lived Lives

 

Un-lived Life Messages

 

Come here.
Let me give you a big hug. 0222100832 copy
Tell me about your day.
I am so happy to see you.

I am having some problems.
I know I look sad

But
I will find someone to help me.
It’s not your fault.

Everything will be okay.
Even on bad days

I will take care of you.

My goodness don’t worry about me.
Please.
I am the grownup.
It’s my job to do the grownup things.
And fix the grownup problems.

I see that you are angry.
At me.
And you’re crying!
Why?
You don’t know?
Okay. Let’s talk about it.

Yes, you can tell me anything
Even when you are angry.
Even when you are sad.
I may get angry too.
Very angry.
And it will be all right.

Because I will always love you.

No matter what.

I promise.

Gathering

This post is inspired by:

V.J.’s Weekly Challenge #18: Gathering

https://onewomansquest.org/2018/10/08/v-j-s-weekly-challenge-18-gathering/

Turning my attention toward the positive this week…

I am gathering source material. I like the way that sounds…source material. For a very long story about “the house” — or rather, our home, of over 36 years. As I have written about in previous posts (NestPhotos), my husband and I downsized and moved to a condo a couple of years ago. It was probably the most exhausting thing I have ever done (besides giving birth to two 9 lb+ babies, but that didn’t take as long).

I was more than ready to move. However, our adult children (who had moved out over a decade earlier) were clearly NOT ready for us to move. Especially our daughter. Our nest was their nest, empty (of them) or not. The reality of no childhood home to return to for their (infrequent) visits was jolting. Did they try to talk us out of it? Absolutely not. But their emotional ties were evident. “Coming down the stairs on Christmas morning” together…(every single year) would come to an end. The “remember whens” without the familiar backdrop of home…hard to imagine. Our new grandson would not be able to run around in his mama’s old backyard.

On the final day before the sale, I toured the empty house on facetime with my long distance 34 year old daughter.  We shared a last look at the rooms she grew up in…and some memories of each. Both of us in tears.

I then realized the enormity of this home’s real significance in our lives. But mostly in our kids’ lives. This surprised me since I never had any deep emotional ties to my childhood homes. None at all. I could not fully understand their attachment. How deep it is.

I am going to write about those 36 1/2 years. For them. For us. For me. A story…the house that became a home and what happened. I am very curious to see what evolves.

But first I need to begin gathering my materials (after shopping at my favorite office supply store):

  • Hanging file folders. One for each year – to sort & organize.

gathering files

  • Calendars for 37 years – chronicling all our activities. Each one a diary in itself.

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  • Photographs. Lots.

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  • Journals.
  • Letters – still gathering.
  • File boxes of house receipts and info that escaped shredding.

Once gathered, let the writing begin.

And…
I am so glad I saved all this stuff!

Attention

This post was inspired by:

V.J.’s Weekly Challenge #17: Attention

https://onewomansquest.org/2018/10/01/v-j-s-weekly-challenge-17-attention/

~~~

“Pay attention to me! Pay attention to me!”

My 7 year old daughter, eyes narrowed, stamping her foot for emphasis, shouted. I was circling our small deck operating a camcorder; videotaping family fun: her, her little brother and my sister (who was visiting). She knew I was distracted. Focused on the view through the camera lens. This was almost 30 years ago.

My 2 year old son was capturing most of the attention, as 2 year olds often do – throwing a ball, giggling, running back & forth. Adorable and scene stealing.  In the video, my daughter’s face jumps in and out of view as she tries to get in on the action. After all, she had the “floor” – and family video time – all to herself for 5 years. Although equally adorable, she now had to share the family stage.

It’s hard to give up that attention to an unasked-for little person who bursts upon the scene for no apparent reason. “Remember the good old days?” she asked quite wistfully every once in a while when he was a newborn. It didn’t take long, however, until she loved her little brother deeply and fiercely…and slowly learned to share time…and attention…with him. She knew there was more than enough love to go around.

I often commiserated with her…I agreed it’s not easy – and it’s often confusing – being the oldest. By the time I was 7, I had 2 little sisters & 1 little brother. One more brother arrived when I was 14.

From a very early age I discovered that attracting my parents’ (positive) attention could be tricky. And elusive. Especially my mother’s. Becoming her helper – that’s what seemed to work. At least on the surface. Household chores and taking care of my siblings. Worthy lessons to learn, I suppose. I did leap into independent life with a full skill set.

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However, my childhood was much more about paying very close attention to my mother. All the time. Watching. Reading her mood. Her facial expressions. Body language. Her tone of voice. Listening. Interpreting.  I developed a keen second sense for what she needed – from me – to stay…steady and okay. And not get mad. Or sad. Or disappointed. I usually got it right. But even so, I was never completely sure. Did I miss anything?

Over the years, I became a confident observer and listener.  Again, worthy skills to develop – becoming a human radar of sorts – with deepening intuition and vigilant attention to details. Which has been valuable in my personal, as well as professional life. Paying attention paid off. But not without cost.

I would never have dreamed of shouting out “Pay attention to me!” to my mother. Never in a million years.
But I am profoundly grateful that my daughter felt safe enough to do so. And did.